Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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