I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
