Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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