my vag is so smooth its legendary
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
