i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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