I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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