Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
