Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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