I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
