we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
