Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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