I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
