remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
