I can tuck mytits in my pants
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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