Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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