The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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