I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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