I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
