someone owes me an orgasm
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
