I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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