Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
