just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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