how do flat chested girls get laid?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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