I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
