Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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