I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Randomize
