Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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