dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
