Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
