did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
