I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
