I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
