thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
