John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
