Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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