A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
