My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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