The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
