Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
