She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
