I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
