The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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