I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
