did you get engaged???
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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