I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
