Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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