Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
