I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Let's paint friendship bongs
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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