he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
