Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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