i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
