It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
